The joy of hide and seek! The run and the rush; the importance to have somewhere to hide but for me there is an important process of how to hide. It’s one I’ve tried to develop – to calm the bellow of my lungs, the crash of my heart beat once I’m in one of my hard to find places. For my life processes are loud, so loud that I feel they would give me away in a heart beat! In the confines of my cupboard, hidden between the clothes and under the blankets you enter a place between worlds – that paper thin divide between life and another wide open world. The only thread linking you back is your hearing. Listening you hear the crescendo of your beating heart and the suppressed asthmatic breathing irritated by the dust, while scanning, radar like, for the frenzied excitement of the seekers that are trying to find you and drag you back to reality. In my closed space I begin to roam in this forgotten realm – my imagination sharper, my focus on my life force keener. Do I really want to be found and pulled from the coccoon I have created? Resting there I feel that subtle tension of expectation. It happens whether I’m under the upturned boat, in a bush, up a tree or in my celebrated cupboard where the children always looked in detailed exploration but never found me. Perhaps I was really sinking through the very fabric of the world making me invisible to them? To reassure them and myself that I hadn’t disappeared I would make wild bird shrieks – to draw them to discover I was really there.
But these closed spaces aren’t just for children’s games. They are places where I am aware of a different consciousness. One where a new part of ourselves is realised. Between walls of creative permanence and their claustrophobic proximity I discovered a creeping fear I didn’t know I had. Behind a mask of pumped vapourised drugs that I breathed in to rest my inflamed airways I discovered a thin place where my mortality was under question. That place between consciousness and anaesthetised oblivion was a wide open sea where I was grabbing lungfuls of air and exhaling words of my desire for life, discovering I wanted to cling to my existence.
It seems that when I go looking for this space the cares of this life accompany me. They shout at me to consider them when all they do is sap the flavour from a moment. But occasionally in the busy times these places present themselves and I find myself sucking on life like a wondrous gob-stopper that demands you savour each revealed flavour. It’s then time to stop and take in, to listen long and hard in those closed spaces, bringing you a closer inspection of your being and your place in the true world. I always have a deep desire to embrace these closed spaces because within them new worlds are born, new avenues on which to think, new ways in which to be. Once back from them we can break our own self imposed moulds, shake off the dust of accumulated staleness. open the windows on our fusty doings and reach for new adventures. Go on, I dare you to pray something new!

Share →

One Response to he’s there in the closed space

  1. George says:

    Very, very deep, and inspiring – undoubtedly the words of someone who is present to the reality of life in the so-called ‘small’ moments. It`s simply amazing how much one can see when one looks. Well done!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *